- Based on “Asian and Western Festivals”
- Translation by: nameru-ja-nai
- LJ Post
:SCENE ONE:
Shinatty: Hey lazy, wake up! Wake up!
China: (mumbles in his sleep and snores lightly)
Shinatty: You’re going to miss this beautiful morning if you keep lying around in bed! So wake up, wake up right now!
China: (mumbling) Meow…meow…k-kitty…look at all the kitties…~
Shinatty: Well, I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve left me no choice!
[dislocates his shoulder]
China: Aiyaaaaah! (gasps in pain) What the hell is wrong with you, you stupid idiot?! What the heck did you do to my arm?!
Shinatty: Don’t worry about it; Shinatty’s Disabling Touch is only temporary!
China: What a useless skill! Owie, owie, owie… As if I didn’t have enough on my plate; I’ve been working through the night, the least you could have done was wake me up gently! Fix my arm NOW, hurry up!
Shinatty: You’re forgetting one very important thing! Hard labor is a perfect chance for a man to realize his responsibility!
China: Wh-What in the world is wrong with you today?
Shinatty: It’s true I’m nothing but a counterfeit, but still, I’ve got a family back home to support.
China: Very interesting… (grunts as he flops back into bed)
Shinatty: Now that you understand, have a look at this!
China: (sighs in annoyance) Leave me alone! I dreamt I was sitting under a peach blossom tree next to the river, playing my bamboo flute while these cute little birds flew around… Just let me finish! Oh…a calendar…what about it?
Shinatty: The Spring Festival!
China: Yeah, so?
Shinatty: What do you mean ‘yeah, so’?! The entire country is preparing for their annual trip! Louder guys, louder! Drill it into this lazy guy’s head! Louder! LOUDER!
Crowd: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
–
Japan: The first month of the Lunar Year is when China celebrates the Spring Festival; during this time, many people travel back to their hometowns. The traffic is always a complete nightmare, so be careful not to plan a trip to China around this time unless you want to want to observe the population instead of the landmarks.
–
China: (growls) What are you trying to say? I live here, I don’t need to go back to anywhere, so just let me sleep!
Shinatty: Fine old man, you don’t have to come; I’ll just go back to Szechwan by myself, I haven’t been there in nearly eight years!
China: Eight years, really? Wait, you called me an old man just now, didn’y you?
Shinatty: Every day, I dream of returning to my hometown…
China: Your…hometown?
Shinatty: I lived in an old, historic town; it was peaceful and quiet, very warm and comforting. Even though we were poorer than any other family I knew, I was still thankful to have a beautiful wife and daughter. My wife and I worked hard everyday to put our child through high school, however, we still didn’t have enough money to send her to college. Her only option was to work chaotic hours at a nearby factory. I promised both of them that I’d make their dreams come true, that I’d find work and make more money in Beijing – [disappointed] but the big city is relentless; I’ve been here for eight years and still have nothing to show for it…
China: So…that’s why you came to Beijing…and all this time I’ve been so selfish…
Shinatty: Well, that’s what I’d like to say anyway…
China: So none of that was true?!
Shinatty: Not really; I’m sure I’ll find a beautiful bride someday! The truth is I grew up in a Beijing alleyway, and now I live in a small apartment on the noisiest side of the city. The Spring Festival is so boring here though, so I want a hometown all to myself so I can pretend to go back! Can’t you make some arrangements with your boss?
China: Why would I do something like that? Especially for someone who was so rude to me this morning! I still can’t move right…
Shinatty: Eh heh, sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you by telling you something top secret!
China: Ooh, what is it? No, don’t tell me!
Shinatty: Theyre planning on building a Disney (coughs loudly to avoid copyright issues) in Shanghai; I stole some of the floor plans for you!
China: Put those back!
Shinatty: Then what can I do to earn your favor…? Oh! It’s me! You want to hug me, don’t you?
China: So…so cute! B-But I’m not falling for that trick!
Shinatty: But I’m so adorable! I mean, just look at me!
China: Sparkly… (squeals) I want a huuuuuug – AH! No way, I’m not doing it!
Shinatty: (laughs) My butterfly shaped ribbon is charming, isn’t it? And look! It’s red, your favorite color! Red is lucky, isn’t it? Maybe touching it will give you eternal happiness!
China: (breathing heavily) C-Can it really? Uwaaaa, I…I’m not listening!
Shinatty: Look! Isn’t my tummy soft and chubby? One little touch won’t hurt!
China: (squeals) Aaaaahhh, stop it, stop it! There’s no way that’s going to work!
Shinatty: Oh, alright; let’s go out and do some Tai Chi then.
China: Okay, sounds good.
Shinatty: Well you got over that pretty quickly…
China: Well I wouldn’t have lasted this long as a nation if I didn’t know how to let go of a grudge, you know?
:SCENE TWO:
Shinatty: (satisfied sigh) The sun’s nice and bright; this is a perfect day for Tai Chi!
China: Uh, before you forget, do you think you can fix my arm now? Come on, it’s a little gross looking when it just shakes there…
Shinatty: You know, the way your arm looks reminds me of the fighting stance of that Hong Kong movie star!
China: Oh yeah! He was pretty cool, wasn’t he? (pauses) [brightly] But this is seriously pissing me off~
Shinatty: Well there’s nothing I can do.
China: Aiyaaaaah! Wha-What do you…didn’t you…I…wha…EHHHHHHHH?!
Shinatty: There are many obstacles in the course of ones life, but one little person’s suffering isn’t going to throw the world’s cosmos out of whack. You’ll just have to grin and bear it, it’ll pass when it passes; that’s just how life goes~
China: What are you talking about you loud mouthed idiot?! If you can’t do it, then get me a doctor! Doctor, now, hurry up!
Shinatty: If I had the money to see a doctor, I’d rather go play Mahjong.
>
China: I know it’s really expensive, but what else am I supposed to do? Doctor! I can’t do Tai Chi like this!
Taiwan: Shut up teacher!
China: T-Taiwan…!
Taiwan: Please, you need to keep quiet when you’re in public areas like this! If you’re too noisy, you’ll scare away all the birds and make the flowers die…
Shinatty: Please forgive us; the old man’s gone a bit crazy, he was having flashbacks about his childhood!
China: I’m not an old man! I’m young, cool, and hip!
>
Taiwan: ‘Cool and hip?’ That just dates you even more… But what’s wrong with you teacher? Your stance…are you trying to be like that handsome star from Hong Kong?
China: Just what the hell about this reminds people of that stupid Hong Kong star? That guy in the…c-(squeals) cute costume did this to me! Oh, it’s so cute! But I CAN’t HUG IT!
Taiwan: You do know that’s a counterfeit, right? I have a lot of Hello Ki…(mumbles to avoid copyright) at my house, but I’ll need to ask Mr. America’s permission before I can let you have any.
China: That’s not my main concern…but I still want to hug them later; I need a doctor right now so I can move my arm again!
Taiwan: (giggles) Teacher’s going crazy!
China: I told you! I’m young, cool, and hip!
Shinatty: (laughs) The old man’s living in the past again!
China: SHUT UP!
Taiwan: (laughs) Well, you are a grandpa, aren’t you?
China: Shut up, show some respect for your big brother!
Shinatty: Don’t get so upset, you’re no fun like this! Tell you what; I’ll give you something secret that I found yesterday night, so don’t be angry!
China: I don’t want a piece of garbage you found on the street!
Taiwan: How about I give you something secret that I found yesterday night?
China: Just what are you two doing with your spare time? Either way, I don’t want any of it! You can’t win me over with ‘secrets’!
Taiwan: Teacher, you’re really stubborn, aren’t you?
Shinatty: Oh that’s right; you want ME don’t you?
China: Aiyaaah… I can’t take this anymore. I never thought that a conversation about the Spring Festival would end up like this… FINE! I’m going to Hong Kong so I can become a famous movie star and makes tons of cash! I’m headed out, so see you whenever!
Taiwan: Oh? You want your arm fixed, right teacher?
China: Yes! What’d you think I was talking about?!
Taiwan: Ooooh, I thought you did this because you thought it was the new style and wanted people to think you were cool! Anyway, you should have said something earlier! I can help, watch this okay? Are you ready?
China: Huh?
Taiwan: Alright, let’s go! Don’t move, okay? Hyoooooooo!
[pops his shoulder back into place, but twists his back in the process]
China: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Random Guy: What the hell was that, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Taiwan: Well that wasn’t too bad! And look, you’re all better teacher!
China: (groans and coughs) Who knew…that Taiwan was so strong…? Ugh…
Random Guy: That was amazing Miss!
Taiwan: You think so? Do you want me to do it to you too?
Random Guy: Oh yes please!
Taiwan: Okay~! It might hurt a little though…
Random Guy: Oh…r-really?
Shinatty: I think I’ll go find that cold compress for you…
China: It’s all your fault, you… (whimpers) Aah! I just remembered that someone’s supposed to come to my house today! I can’t play with you two anymore – I’ve got to go prepare some food! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
:SCENE THREE:
Japan: Let’s see…after I turn this corner I should be on the exact street that leads to China’s house… (grunts as he bumps into Finland)
Finland: Whoa!
Japan: Oww…my old bones can’t take this kind of stress…
Finland: Ah! I’m so sorry! I should have been paying more attention to where I was going!
Japan: No, it’s alright! I wasn’t paying attention either.
Finland: Huh? You’re…Japan, right?
Japan: Huh?
Finland: Aah! I’m Finland! I never thought I’d see you around here; what a coincidence!
Japan: Ah, Finland! How have you been?
Finland: I’ve been well! How about you?
Japan: I’m alright; but, what brings you here? You live up in the north, don’t you?
Finland: Yes, normally, but during the Christmas season, I like to travel all over the world!
Japan: That must be taxing… You’re always so busy around Christmas, aren’t you? I know the feeling.
Finland: How do you celebrate Christmas at your place Japan? Up north, we burn Yule Logs and hang colorful decorations on our windows; it’s really very beautiful! We even have Advent Calendars!
Japan: Well…you see…
–
Store Owner: Alright team! This year’s going to be the best and most profitable Christmas ever!
Staff: NO PROFIT, NO CHRISTMAS!
–
Japan: Either like this, or…
–
Random Guy: (laughs airily) We’re spending our Christmas night at a pointlessly extravagant restaurant~!
Random Guy’s Girlfriend: (laughs airily) I hope you got me a present~!
–
Japan: Like that…
Finland: What’s wrong Japan?
>
Japan: Oh, nothing! Sorry… It’s just, I don’t think our Christmas celebrations have as much spiritual significance as yours.
Finland: I see… Oh! Where are you headed to?
Japan: China’s invited me to his house for some afternoon tea; what about you Finland?
Finland: I’m spreading the Christmas cheer! Here you go everyone!
Japan: Christmas cheer? What do you mean? Oh…it’s a greeting card with a Christmas tree…
Finland: When I heard that China banned anyone from owning a tree, I just had to do something about it! I still think it’s a real shame, but he never said anything about having pictures of them, right? (to people passing by) Merry Christmas!
Japan: Wow…you’re really serious about this!
Finland: I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Japan! I’ve got to go pass out more cards!
Japan: Please take care!
Finland: See you later!
Japan: Both Italy and Germany have invited me to spend Christmas with them. I’m not exactly looking forward to facing the holiday profit wars all by myself…I think it’s about time I took a break from all of that. I hope I can find China’s home…I always get lost looking for it…
:SCENE FOUR:
China: Fold this over on that side, wrap it around here, turn it sideways…
(knock on the door)
Japan: This is Japan! Sorry I’m late!
China: (gasps) Uh…Uhh…
Japan: I…uhh…
China: You’re finally here! (coughs) I thought maybe you wouldn’t show!
Japan: It’s been a long time China; thank you so much for inviting me to your home. But you look a little tired; is everything alright?
China: I just…I don’t like seeing how much you’ve changed Japan…you’re so different. But uh, (coughs) thanks for your concern!
Japan: Have you been busy? Something smells really good…
China: I’ve cooked all of your favorite food! It should be ready in a minute.
Japan: Thank you; I’m really hungry!
China: It’s not like you to be so late; what were you doing before you came?
Japan: Finland and I chatted for a bit; I met up with him on the way here.
China: Ooh, he’s that kid that lives around Russia’s place! [curious] What’s he doing here?
Japan: Well…he was passing out Christmas-
China: Christmas?!
Japan: Wh-What’s wrong?
China: Christmas is another one of those Western celebrations, I don’t want to have anything to do with it! Us Asians have to concentrate on honoring Asian traditions! I’d rather spend my time preparing for New Year’s; I think that Christmas tree ban really did the job, don’t you think? Japan?
Japan: Y-Yeah…
China: Perfect! So that means you’ll ditch Christmas and prepare for New Year’s with me, right?
Japan: New Year’s?
China: Yeah!
Japan: Well, I’d like to…but my country’s New Year is based on the Gregorian Calendar…
China: Aiyaaah! What are you talking about? New Year’s is on the same day as the Spring Festival!
Japan: Yes, according to the Chinese calendar, right?
China: What else would I be talking about?!
Japan: Holy crap… There’s a three week to one month difference between my calendar and China’s… If I spend three weeks helping him with his New Year’s, I’ll miss out on the soba noodles and TV specials for my New Year’s… I can’t live without those! (groans in frustration)
China: Ai… What’re you worrying about Japan? Oh…I get it… If it’s inconvenient for you, then we can just forget the whole thing okay? You don’t celebrate the Spring Festival anymore, do you?
Japan: I…I’m sorry…
China: It’s no problem! I’ll help you prepare for your New Year’s celebration and you can come over and help me with mine when you’re ready! Win-win!
Japan: Oh, good idea! I’m sure I’ll have some time to come over!
China: Thought so!
Japan: Well I’m glad we figured that out… Looks like the food’s ready, may I start eating?
China: Sure, help yourself!
Japan: Thanks for the meal! (about to eat) Ahh~
China: Stop! Don’t eat food from the main platter using your chopsticks! Here, use the little dishes!
Japan: Oh…right, I’ll remember that. Anyway, the bao looks good…oh, but I should add some soy sauce first.
China: AHHH!
Japan: H-Huh?!
China: Don’t put too much soy sauce!
Japan: Eh?
China: You’re eating off a small dish, right? So you should only use a teensy tiny bit of soy sauce to balance the flavor!
Japan: R-Really… I’m sorry about that. Geez…it’s been a long time since I’ve eaten with him, but he’s still just as strict about food as before… Thanks for the-
China: AHHH!
Japan: (growls in frustration)
China: Don’t pick up your plate! That’s a basic rule!
Japan: Right, sorry, I’m putting it down! I’m…gonna eat now…
China: Okay, you’re doing great! Ahh!
Japan: No way! What am I doing wrong this time?!
China: Don’t get more food! You haven’t finished what’s on your plate! AHHH! shrimp paste is good for you, don’t waste it! AHHH! Don’t reach over the table like that! STOP, STOP, STOP! Don’t spilt the bao in half, just bite into it, it’ll taste better!
Japan: O-Okay!
China: Alright, yes! You’re finally-! AHHH! I told you not to reach over like that, weren’t you listening?!
Japan: (trying not to scream in frustration) China…you remind me of…
–
Asian Parent: You haven’t finished your chrysanthemum yet, so you aren’t allowed to have any bok choy! Ahh! Don’t just pick around for meat! Eat your vegetables too! EAT YOUR VEGETABLES! Hold it, hold it, hold it! You can’t put tofu on the same plate as your noodles! What the hell is wrong with you?!
–
Japan: Just like that…
China: I made you some egg rolls! If you can’t finish it, then you can spilt it and put one half back on the platter, but not if it touched your chopsticks~!
Japan: Th-Thank you! (eats and swallows) They’re really good…but I’m so full!
:SCENE FIVE:
China: (sighs happily) That was a super yummy meal~!
Japan: (wheezes) I’m…so…full…! (wheeze)
China: How’d you like it Japan? Yummy, right? You can come back next week if you want!
Japan: But…next week is Christmas…
China: Tch! Christmas… I told you I didn’t care about that stuff! I’ve got no problem with you coming to eat again next week!
Japan: To…eat?!
China: I make the best food in the world, don’t I?
Japan: I agree, China’s an amazing cook but…! China! I just remembered that I’ll be busy all next week, so I’ll give you your Christmas present early!
China: Eh? M-More western stuff? B-But if it’s a gift from you…I-I’ll accept it…
Japan: Great, that’s all you have to say!
China: Wh-What did you-?
[Japan runs off like a gust of wind]
China: [confused] Where’d he…? J-Japan? What the hell Japan?! What did you put on my back?!
–
Japan: China…I’ve…decided to stay with Italy and Germany for Christmas.
–
China: Japan’s gone…but what does it say? ‘Kono…hito bukyou…desu?” What in God’s name does that mean? (tries again in Mandarin) Ugh I give up!
[knock on the door]
China: Huh? Who is it?
Finland: Hello! China are you in there?
China: Who the heck was that? (sighs) What do you want? Are you a delivery boy? I’m kind of pissed right now, so make it quick or I’ll kick your ass back onto the street!
Finland: Uwaah! Please don’t! I’m Finland!
China: Finland…? Ugh, what the hell do you want?
Finland: I’ve brought you a Christmas present! I know it’s a bit early, but-
China: Another Christmas thing? More western crap…
Finland: Japan sent it to you~
China: What? Japan?
Finland: Yup! Along with this letter!
China: Well then I’ll take it!
–
Japan: China, I’m sorry for that stupid trick I pulled…so I got you a real present this time.
–
China: Oh…my little brother got me a present~ But what is it? Looks like a box with tiny little doors…
Finland: It’s a Christmas Advent Calendar! We use to count down the days until Christmas; everyday, you open one of the doors to find a little piece of candy or a cookie! It makes waiting for Christmas much more fun!
China: Japan…he really does care about me!
Finland: Usually you’re supposed to start from the first day of December; I hope you don’t mind that it’s a little late.
China: Of course I don’t mind! Since Japan gave it to me, I’ll treasure it forever!
Finland: Great! Then I hope you have a Merry Christmas! See you later!
China: (sighs) Well…now that Japan’s given me a present, I guess Western celebrations aren’t so bad after all~ Now, let’s see what kind of yummy snack is behind today’s door~! Wha…?! Th-This isn’t a snack… It’s a little Buddha figurine! THAT’S HORRIBLE!
[T/N: Not exactly sure why he freaked out so much…anyone want to give some insight?]
Japan: So China…did you like the present?