Hetalia Fantasia 3 – Track 03 “Crisis Fantasia”

China: I, the emperor of online gaming, am full of energy and ready to make me mountains and mountains of Heta again today! Oh ho, and I couldn’t ask for a more perfect opportunity.

China: Canada! Care to talk business with me for a little bit?

Canada: Hey, China. What’s up, eh?

China: Ta-da-da-dah! Behold, the ultra rare Qinglong Scimitar! I’m going to give you the opportunity to purchase this item, Canada!

Canada: Whoa, really? You sure?

China: Of course, of course!


China: How much does this sound?

Canada: Hm… that much, eh? What should I do? I can’t make up my mind.

China: Trust me when I say that getting just one Qinglong Scimitar was no easy task even for me! I’ve only seen this scimitar online 14 times!

Canada: Ohh, what should I do? I think I want it now after what you said~!

China: Hau, hau! Just one more push…

China: All right! I’ll give you a special discount just for you, Canada! You should know that I don’t give discounts very often~!

Canada: Really? Amazing!

China: It is amazing indeed! I’m in a really good mood today so I’m feeling a little generous~. If you like, I can add this and even this to your purchase! I’m practically giving it away to you now!

Canada: Is that so?! I’m so happy!

China: Now will you buy, or will you buy?

Canada: Mm! Now that I really think about it, though, I don’t need this at all. Sorry, eh.

China: Ouch, you’re surprisingly harsh.

Canada: Do you think so? I answer all questions with a clear yes or no…

China: Of course! You were so excited while we were talking and then you refused to buy! That’s cold! If Japan was here…

*crazy flashback*

Japan: AHHH! I mustn’t! I know I must not squander my money, but my hand is reaching for it! Using cuteness is a most cowardly and dastradly trap! I shall stand firm — and purchase this immediately!

*crazy flashforward*

China: He’d say all that while buying it!

Canada: That’s Japan, all right.

China: Canada, you’re a cheapskate! If you pinch your pennies too much, you’re gonna become just like the Netherlands!

*Players stampeding and screaming*

China: Hm?

Male P1: What are you two doing? You guys gotta get outta here quick!

Canada: Oh, is an event happening or something? It looks kinda fun.

China: Oh! An event is it? What sort of event is it?

Male P1: It’s not an event. It’s here!

China: Oh! If it’s a monster, I’ve lived for a very long time, so I’m very knowledgeable and strong, so a little monster should be nothing!

Male P1: That’s… not it… I can’t stay here any longer! You guys better hightail it! *screams*

Canada: Everyone’s so hasty. They all should really learn to slow down a bit — right, China?

China: I sense something ominous approaching…. My elderly senses are telling me that.

*China gasps*

Knight: You would dare stand in my path?

*Player 1 coughs*


System: Player A has been converted to a follower.


System: Player B has had all of his valuables and Heta plundered, and is now indebted to a Reinskammer.

Player 1: Ru-Run away…

Canada: Eh? Eh? Is everyone all right?

Player 2: I’m level 89 and I had a great weapon equipped and I still couldn’t beat him. He’s friggin’ dangerous!

China: Is he really that dangerous of a player? By the way, are you interested in selling that weapon? I don’t have that weapon in my warehouse.


China: How does this much Heta sound?

Player 1: Whoa, no way, you’re offering that much? What should I do, maybe I should sell it…


*Player 1 coughs and dies*

China: Ahhhh! I got cut off just before we could conclude our business negotiation!

*China growls*

China: You there! What in the world are you?!

*clink clank*

Knight: I am the darkness. I am justice.

Canada: What’s up with that line? Hehe, oh my. I guess crazy hosers like this guy that tend to pop up from time to time in a tabletop RPG game session will get mixed up in a RPG like this.

China: Shh!

Canada: Eh?

China: We have guys like that in my country, too — those same exact guys are the most dangerous! If you want a fight, then bring it, knight. I, the emperor of online games who became a shut-in because of too much internal affairs, shall be happy to be your opponent!

Knight: You rush to your death, do you?


England: Hey, look at this, you guys! My Hetaeon gave birth to a few little ones! Aren’t they just adorable?

Baby A: Bebebe~!

Baby B: Pew Pew Pew Be~!

Baby C: EH-BE~!

France: There’s a deep “eh-be” mixed up in there…

Russia: Looks like we have one baby in the litter that’s the “not likely to be bullied” type.

England: And even if you guys get in my way at every possible turn, I will elegantly, splendidly, and proudly raise each and every one of them!

*England babbles in background*

France: Hey, Russia.

Russia: Hm?

France: Wanna eat a nougat? It’s delicious; it’s one of my special nougats! …I have no idea what’s inside it, though.

Russia: Wah! France, thank you! …Even if I have no idea what’s inside it.

America: Y-you guys!

England: Oh, America. Heh. I see you’ve arrived really, really early today, too.

*Summon makes noise*

America: I went through… *pant pant* a horrible experience… *pant pant*

America: Everyone, listen! Something terrible’s happened!

France: Oh, what is it? If you’re saying it’s terrible, then it really must’ve been dreadful.

America: It was! What happened was blah-blah-blah yadda-yadda-yadda!

France: Wh-what was that?!

England: No way! That actually happened?!

Russia: What does “blah-blah-blah yadda-yadda-yadda” mean?

England: Get a clue, Russia! When America and Japan got in touch with this weirdo player online, not only was he incredibly strong, delusional and emo, but he kicked the ever living crap out of the already strong America and Japan! That’s what he said!

America: If you say all of that, then what the hell was the point of me saying “blah-blah-blah yadda-yadda-yadda” to save time?!

Russia: Oh~! I’m kinda interested in this player. What’s this player like?

America: A-Ah… His username is “The Black and White Knight of the Dark Night”. He seems to be randomly killing any Hetalia Fantasia players he sees online. I never thought I’d actually end up losing to him!

France: If he’s that much of a problem, can’t you just ban him from the game with a command? You know, like a Game Administrator.

America: Ack! Well, about that…

Russia: Hmm! You didn’t prohibit player vs. player combat in this game did you, America? That’s why you can’t ban or suspend him since he’s really not breaking any rules, right America? You had the strongest weapon in the game equipped and you lost to him, America. You made this game yourself and you still lost; you are completely and utterly hopeless, America…


England: Uh, I think that should be enough condemning and psychological insults for one day. Ah, but if this dangerous player continues wandering around like this, the balance of this world might collapse. I’ve never met this guy before, but what about the two of you?

France: Hmm, I’ve been so busy collecting clothes, so I can’t say I know him.

France: Oh, speaking of clothes, look at my chic, tres bien, and wonderful 17th century clothes I’m wearing!

France *in background*: How do I look?

Russia: Let’s see, his name was The Black and White Knight of the Dark Night, right? Ah, if you mean him, I’ve-made-him kneel in front of me before…

England: Huh?

America: What?

France: I think I should go to Russia’s side and stay there from now on.

Russia: Hehe! I’m so happy!

England: Uh, anyway you can’t leave someone that dangerous run around unchecked! If you keep letting him wander around, thing’ll be unbearable.

America: Ye-yeah. I understand. You guys go to a town where combat is prohibited and wait there for a bit. I’m gonna challenge him one more time! Be patient until this whole thing is finished.

England: You’re going to go alone? What are you talking about? Hah! You were with Japan when you lost so I’m not sure why you’re saying that.

America: Urk!

England: I’ve got time to kill so I’ll go with you. I want to show you the familial bond and might of my Hetaeon family anyway!

France: All right then, I guess moi will provide support, too! America, you tend to place too much faith in your weapons. Why not try and place your faith in your friends, too?

Russia: Me too, me too! I wanna see him cry again~!

America: Yo-You guys…!

England: Honestly, there’s really no helping you. Seeing you act so obstinate in such a weird situation makes me feel a little worried for you. If you just leave it to the great and mighty British Empire, though, this knight should be no problem!

France: So– Huh? Where’s China?

America: He’s probably busy selling panda food somewhere or somethin’.

Russia: Huh? He was with us last time, though.

China: YOU GUUUYYYSSS! Some weird knight came through, beat the living daylights out of me, and took all of the stuff I was selling!

America: SHIT! How could this happen! Are you okay?

China: Aiya! It was such a terrible experience. Pissed wouldn’t even begin to describe his rage, no it would not!

*China breathes heavily*

China: In my 4,000 years as China… Or was it 5,000 years? In this long life of mine, I experienced something so terrible that I felt like I was at Level 1!

England: So, what exactly did he do to you?

China: That’s… something I’m willing to talk about when you’re not listening, England.

England: …You little wanker.

China: Canada’s in trouble! Canada got defeated by him and he was forced to join him! I’m happy that I managed to somehow get away, but Canadaaaa… is nowwwww…

France: Huh? Dominating a man can’t be fu- well actually it looks fun in its own way.

England: You horny lech!

France: Oh! Interested in doing it are we, Mr. Watches Sex Ed Videos in his Home!

China: As I was saying, Canada’s been abducted by him, forced to join a weird group, and forced to sing a weird song praising the knight! I was surprised to see a group with him and singing that the whatever what not Knight song. If we don’t rescue Canada soon, he’ll turn crazy!

America: Group? Damn… I can’t believe I overlooked just how much unrest he’s caused while I was developing more stuff for this game until today!

France: In any case, we have no choice but to go and save them, right?

America: Yeah. For the sake of a Hetalia Fantasia where everyone can safely adventure in peace, we will challenge The Black and White Knight of the Dark Night face-to-face, win, and stop him for good!

England: Sounds like a good way to kill time.

*Summon makes noise*

Russia: Hehe! Acting with everyone sure is fun!

China: You’re having fun in a messed up way.

*scene cuts to zombie group*

Group: All hail The Black and White Knight of The Dark Night…

Canada: All hail… The Black…

*Canada whimpers*

Canada: What’s wrong with this game?! Where are you, Kuma III…

*bird caws*

Knight: Will you be foolish and choose to die in ignorance , or will you choose to once again seek the Darkness?

*bird caws*